Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Did I show you my penis last night?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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