who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
