I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
