i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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