well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
