Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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