I think i peed on brittanys purse
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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