The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
