So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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