happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
