I bet he comes in French.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
