I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
