i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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