This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
