So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
