hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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