Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
