My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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