Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
