Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
