I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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