Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
