he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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