worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
