I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
