Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you will always have a special place in my vag
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize