just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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