Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
