The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
