woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
