I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it was like eating out sand paper
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
