I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
