I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
