if i can run in heels then i can drive
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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