After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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