Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I need moral support for this bender
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Randomize
