my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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