I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
