Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
