Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
