I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
