Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
