bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
