we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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