Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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