I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
