Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
