Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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