All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
