I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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