i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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