Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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