Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
