maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
