The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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