I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
